logo.gif spacer.gif

A Place to Share

chatroom menu message boards member pages tbi info misc. pages

Timothy "padmeister" Roche

Am I there yet?

Am I there yet? 
I used to live my life not in a reckless way, just easy and free, 
But all that changed that day, when I acquired my head injury, 
Twas then I realised just how most people can be so very cruel, 
By treating me and my fellow victims of TBI, like a simple fool, 
My cognitive abilities have really improved, and life ain't that bad, 
But it is so very different from the life I lived as a man and a lad, 
Why can you say what you want to say about me, which I hate, 
And why when I reply I'm judged as being so inappropriate, 
I really doubted if I should ever come back,  
Since I've travelled on this rarely trodden track,  
My roads diverged when I broke my brain, 
I wondered if my life would ever be the same, 
And walked down the road as far as I could see, 
I cannot change the route; this is the road for me, 
I have been lied about, but I don't deal in lies,  
And yet I hardly ever talk to the wise, 
This is a long lonely road and I've seen no bends, 
And it must be travelled alone so I have lost friends, 
I think I can see away off in the distance a junction, 
As time has healed me some so I can nearly function, 
Thank god, when I look back the road has disappeared, 
In this I think my guardian Angel has really appeared, 
It is like being in a parallel dimension that aint right, 
Some things are the same, darker I'm missing the light, 
I have had to make new friends to help me ease my pain, 
And with those new friendships have driven away the rain, 
So I think I've travelled so far, my life it seems not so sad, 
And throughout my difficult journey I think I am not that bad, 
My neurological deficits leave me feeling a little impaired, 
I was really lucky to be surrounded by people, who really cared, 
The only sad part of this is how I'm treated by other wise sages, 
And being judged makes me go into really dark and angry rages, 
You think you can read me, so easy like an open book, 
As you think you actually can really know my mind 
And all this without really taking a long hard look, 
That to me is abhorrent; it's so nasty and unkind, 
I using my silly rhymes so you might learn about me, 
If you wore my shoes and tried walking a mile or two, 
You might gain some factual knowledge, try it and see, 
Or maybe it is easier if I just start too blindly to judge you, 
I really wonder just how you did; get your title and position, 
And yet you claim to be totally aware of my own condition, 
So now I think I am very near the end of my slow, long recovery, 
And yes on the way I have stumbled as the road can be icy, 
There is some who think they know, and those who know about it, 
Ask yourself this easy question on which side of the fence do I sit, 
Well take from this what you have proven to be, well so I've seen, 
And wear your crown like a righteous prince, king or even a queen, 
Timothy Joseph Roche 

I m Still looking for me!

I m Still looking for me! 
I ve searched the deepest recesses of my mind, 
I am looking for the part of me that got left behind, 
 That blackness came so very, very fast 
And my life is like a  broken glass,   
Out of my coma I woke only to find,  
I hardly left any of my old life behind,   
The part that remembers, thinks and smiles, 
So far away only a million miles, 
I drift now through fragmented days, 
Random memories are like sunlit rays, 
My daughter's laugh, a place, a name,  
And now I know I'll never be the same, 
I live like someone who is not very old,  
With fear that makes my blood run cold, 
I've heard of Limbo, but I never knew, 
That on this day I would live there to,  
you choose visit, but don't care to stay, 
In the world where we live every day,  
I'm still in here! Look! Can't you see? 
Inside is new and very different me, 
Perhaps the fog will lift someday, 
Even a bit, I hope and to god I pray, 
People always;  say "Forget the Past", 
Really you don't know what you ask, 
Memories, some vague, some clear,  
Some sewn with hope, some with a tear, 
To be real, my quilt demands them all, 
Both bright and dim, big and small, 
I'd slipped away, I really can't recall,  
the best moments of my life at all, 
When I could finally speak, I cried, 
"Is he okay?    Oh, yes" they lied,  
My mind came back, and then I knew,  
At least I lived, that much was true,  
Thank you, God, for saving Tim, 
I struggled to pray through a thick and thin, 
I  had survived, me and my head injury, 
Just about nothing like we used to be, 
Look hard in the mist, and there you'll find me, 
trying to put all the pain behind us, 
Like sunrise on a cloudy day, 
It's hard to see me through the grey, 
I refuse to just fade and fade away. 
  T j Roche 

Weather or not I'll improve?

Weather or not I ll improve? (The weather is pertaining to the rain and also
if I will get better.) 
A little rain or so I m told must fall in every life, 
On a certain day I had a really big thunder storm, 
And three years on, I can now see the sunshine, 
I feel like a loser so much so I feel all forlorn, 
Although I eat and sleep, I only barely just exist, 
Maybe because the sun is out and a bit of rain, 
Is why my world seems to be covered in this mist? 
That s not a question, for you don t know my pain, 
Only god can create new life, or so the scriptures tell us, 
I don t agree as when I died I sort of made one too, 
Oh this new life I ve made isn t without a lot of fuss, 
God does it better as mine resembles a lot of pooh! 
In a lot of ways it is like the life of a caterpillar or moth, 
But their transformations of life have beautiful results, 
It s like in the pub you complain if your pint has excess froth, 
Well I m complaining as I m sick of remarks and insults, 
I really have thought long and hard if there is anything worse, 
And my answer is simple; nothing even comes close to this, 
And now its should be called the devils curse, 
But I have met an understanding person a certain Miss, 
She sets me certain challenges and Amanda is her name, 
Amanda has some knowledge, she never knew me before, 
I think the lord sent her to try and keep me fully sane, 
And as a reward I m taking her home to my native shore, 
I think I m doing really well and daily getting better, 
On that day I wonder and now I surely know for sure, 
It s like my arms and legs have been freed from my fetter,  
I was in gods  good favour although my heart wasn t pure. 
  T j Roche 

I was lured by the thrill of motorcycle speed

And TBI has made me for better or worse 
The fool that I am or the wise man I'll be 
 I feel strange under this  under this curse 
It wasn't anyone s fault it  was me, only me 
But I m not the man I once used to be 
 As in this life I don't think I'll last 
Since I acquired my brain injury 
In one fleeting moment I went too fast 
Since then I mumble and stutter 
As life has slammed down the shutter 
 My life wasn t as stainless as steel 
Only the lord, can know how I feel  
Oh God, he kept a very close eye on me 
Hung round my bed in the darkness, he spied  
But he couldn t stop Tim, he went and died  
I don t know why he made this fool with a brain injury 
I rode like a madman, and always did, I think I was late 
Oh god what a price! I ve accepted this as my fate 
Pride was my savior, it made me much like I used to be 
But I ain t as I have a severe closed head injury 
  T j Roche


Come over here and I'll tell ya 
Of poor ole Irelands saddest day 
When those mighty Fenian warriors 
Put all their weapons away 
Now Ireland she must stand alone 
In her struggle against the British throne 
Over the centuries the Irish wouldn't lie down 
We had no desire to be ruled by the crown 
Sadly some of Ireland's daughters 
Who really must have cried 
When told that their sons, fathers 
Husbands or brothers sadly had died 
I have written poetry and never told any lies 
When Irishmen read it, it brings tears to their eyes 
My poetry is strong and written from my heart 
And in the endless struggle I've played a little part 
In my body my blood is filled with Gaelic pride 
My heart is heavy for my kinsmen who have died 
Tiocfaidh Ár Lá I heard and learnt from an early age 
That is why the IRA, against the British, battle would rage 
Oaths they had taken, pledges to honour, they go unfulfilled 
And the memory of all the Irish blood that was spilled 
This is making a mockery of every Irishman who has died 
But still my heart is filled with that wonderful Irish pride 
And to this day six counties are under British tyranny 
Why couldn't they stay on their side of the Irish Sea? 
That is the reason why some Irishmen picked up a gun 
Because we were so sick of British oppression 
Ireland is defenceless and where is our day? 
We never shall see it just blow the British away! 
So that is my story and yeah it is full of pain 
But that is the wonder from being under British reign 
                                      T J ROCHE


I sit here now and still I wonder
Of the days of British plunder
And then my feelings start to harden
They treated Ireland as their garden
And from the Suir up to the Foyle
We laboured in our mother soil

Eight hundred years of blood and pain
Eight centuries of British reign
And to those rich green fertile lands
They sent those bastard black and tans
Oh those bastards they went wild
They butchered all from man to child

But in this land of hope and glory
The history books don't tell the story
But why would we make up those tales
Of widowed women's shrieking wails
While being raped and raped again
As blood still flows from their men

The English thought it was their duty
To take from us our land and booty
I can t forget the darkest cloud
To fall across the strong and proud
Our thoughts in time are never lost
We won t forget this holocaust

And still today we bare our loads
Invaders walk our northern roads
Although myself I plough their lands
I cry each night with head in hands
And pray to god both night and day
To live my life the Irish way

Where strangers greet you with a smile
Within that blood stained emerald isle
I'll dream this dream till my final day
My body then will eternally lie
And buried then and all alone
Don t weep for me for I am home

T j Roche

forbiden love
Five short days ago I met her
After five long years in pain
And risking all I told her all
In the hope her love I d gain

I thought the years that went were painful
And they filled my life with anguish
But in the days gone by this week
I ve so nearly got my secret wish

So many restless nights I wondered
Just how her loving touch would feel
On Monday night she touched me
And my dream it seemed so real

You filled my life with sunshine
And drove away the rain
And on this Friday evening
Will be my sunniest day

I spent each waking moment
Longing for her touch
Last night I told that goddess
That I loved her oh so much

Last night that angel held me
And not just in her arm
I lost myself in her beauty
I m bewitched by her charms

Just try to understand how I really feel
If you could dive into the deepest oceans
You would never get as deep
As my feelings or emotions

I ve shared with you my feelings
And now I ll share my fears
I ll share them here in writing
So you ll never see my tears

Denise my love I worship you
So much you ll never know
To understand how much this is
Try counting snowflakes in the snow

When I look upon your beauty
I get so lost within your eyes
It seems like only seconds
But the time it simply flies

I ve thought of life without you
This thought fills me with dread
And Friday is the final night
Oh god I wish I was dead

When I lay with you on Friday
And I ll lose myself in you
Should I get so lost I can t get back?
Then what then will I do?

A huge part of me is missing
I ve given that to you
Keep it safe don t lose it
Without it I don t have a clue

Life for me is simple
It involves you everyday
My love for you grows deeper
Daily in each and every way

Words for me don t come easy
How can I make you understand?
A day in life without you
Leaves me saddened, cursed and dammed

Your beauty enchants me so
And I m bedazzled by your smile
The eyes of a goddess bewitch me
Kept prisoner for the longest while

When I laid my hands upon your skin
Soft as silk it felt so very nice
And then I touched you in the sacred place
Oh the gates of paradise

You will let me into Eden
Like a king to feast no less
And when the banquets ended
Its back then to the wilderness

For me it s certain pain and torture
When we have finished Friday night
The choice I ve made its leads to Hades
And still it feels so right

And now my fear grows slowly
As our loving night draws near
What s left of me on Saturday?
God why can t the way be clear

Denise you are a sex goddess
You can have the pick of any man
And when you come to break my heart
Please Denise be as gentle as you can

And there it is quite simply
A few words of my pain
I ve had a week of sunshine
God I hate that bloody rain

So lay with me on Friday
And ease me of my pain
For I ll never take another risk
If the moon and stars I could gain

As we spent last night together
I wanted time to stop forever
I waited for the longest time
To feel your body pressed against mine

The moon was there but wasn t real
But it meant I could look as well feel
I saw your body covered in white lace
And the radiance coming from your face

Your sweet scented aroma it filled the air
Lying naked on the bed without a care
Your body heat throughout the evening
With little moans and gentle breathing

Womanhood radiated from you last night
It filled me up with pain and delight
It s more than just the sex for me
Although last night oh last night was ecstasy

With sweating bodies from head to toes
Your beauty grew with orgasmic glows
And to this place I must return
To feel and watch your body burn

I really wished I d lost control
And mixed with you my very soul
There two as one in your embrace
Lost in time forever in this place

You really are a gorgeous beast
I only hope you can stay in my reach
I have a lot to learn I want you to teach
Denise my love stays in my reach

It meant to me that there might be more
And from the doldrums my heart did soar
I really am a plain and ordinary man
And to keep you I ll do everything I can

But it s up to you and how you feel
No more dreams lets jeep it real
I hope last night was not a one-night stand
Because I really couldn t understand
For in this week some things we have shared
So much so I thought you cared

T J Roche