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Bev Toma

The Loneliness From Within
I cannot change this person, or who i currently am
Oh God, how many times I have tried
But the Law of Loneliness is applied unfailing
And you always question, "I should have died".

You speak out loud, call for "that" special person
You need that hug, that affection, or just a special touch
Sometimes it is hard to realize what feelings that you miss
But you know Lonilenss, and you have that feeling oh so much.

Loneliness haunts me, invades the chambers of my heart and soul
Sometimes it is hard to realize, as I shed so many tears
That the wall of Loneliness has no respect to age or sex
It consumes you totally, without effort, as you wither year by year.

Nothing on this earth we live can touch this empty feeling
You search the heavens frantically, is that not something you can bestow?
All appears dreary, dark and bare, contentment is not an emotion known
You get no answer from Above; and you know the Loneliness comes from Below.

So as time rolls away without delay, there are plans that must be made
Now lacking soundness of mind, and so weak in health
My Will must stand the test, I leave to whoever all that I possess
I leave to you my Loneliness, which is all I have that is considered wealth.

So in closing you will find my Loneliness, there is no mistake
My Will in love is given, and it is yours at my decease
Yet there is an item still left behind; I leave my way to Heaven
And if this trying way you take, it will let me end my days in peace.

Bev Toma 9/23/98

True Angels in the Shape of Friends
There is a place we all can gather for fun, laughter and tears
A place we all feel safe and secure, a place where angels truly live
Here we tell our inner most thoughts, and get comfort in return
This place called TBICHAT, has many angels willing to give from within.

We have angels such as Smuzzy, who watches the chatroom with a keen eye
We have angels, Pippi, Herbie and Yappers, who make you laugh until you cry
And then there is the loving Nana, Teddy, ReneNZ and our artist Scar
Reminding us all of why we are in chat, handing out hankeys to dry our eyes.

And life in the chatroom, Bunny dust and all, would not quite be fulfilled
If the angel Maykeema did not show up with her three legged farting dog
Tommy and his beer, Copper with her smile and Lee^ with her wisdom and advice
you would think with all of the "angels" those in chat would be somewhat in a fog!!

As the fog clears, in pops Waldo with her jokes, Ad^^ with his concern and Mrcarl
Always checking, asking to be sure we're alright, just as the wav starts to play
Ah, Mrcarl, bagpipe6 is for you and I know behind his keyboard he smiles
You see all of our angels know what to say, and smiling wish everyone a very good day.

As you see we have angels everywhere, lurking, no hiding in this room
Mec pops in and always inquires "how ya doing Golf" and has a great big smile
Then the angel Lem, with Maddad in tow, gives his normal burly hello
About this time dear Ax appears, and does his auto greet, smile and stay awhile.

As you can tell there are many angels who help carry this heavy load
We have young Cara, young Bethany and JJ to keep us on our toes
There are many times when "our angels" love can't seem to smooth the pain
But just spend an hour with these friends, and you soon learn to go with the flow.

We have NNB^ and his "strange" computer, Bouy and his popups, Dar's around too
There is the ever "fleeting" Dash, VR and Pat, as they talk about their cooking fun
Z is chillin, Janee full of tricks, Maggie our new grandma, and JeanAZ with the heat
You put all these angels, named or not, in one room, and there is no where to run!!

TBICHAT is full of angels, who somehow smooth the edges and pull us through
While sometimes our problems seem so great, and there is nothing they can do
We then set at our keyboards, and heart to heart we start to cry
But the angels know God will Bless all the friends who are just standing by

There are more angels I have not mentioned, but we're Blessed and feel so proud
To have such angels for wonderful friends, caring, loving friends without faces
To share our laughter, our sorrows, our joy and our smiles
We know all our angels are present, holding our hands, pointing up to His Graces

This poem can't go further without mention of the one who works so very hard
Daily e-mails, he is truly an angel, guarded by all of his angel's love from within
Sagasha, Brian David Moore, saved my life, he brought me to your door
He helped me with my computer, coached me, he led me to you my dear friends!!

So in ending I will say, each and every angel in our "outfield"
Are so unique, so loving and possess such a life full of passion
These angels are truly gifts of God's love, love which we should all employ
We should watch as each angel expands their wings, truly in a God Like fashion.

Dedicated to all survivors and caregivers of TBICHAT
Written for Woodstock, August 8th, l998

Bev (Flog) Toma 7/22/98

The Road Filled With Fear
The road filled with fear stops at my front door
I peer through my window, hoping it is gone
I tremble, I hide knowing where this road will lead
This road stays, is inviting, should I follow it along?

This road filled with my fears, mixes in much turmoil
I want to follow it, be brave, let it just whisk me away
But then I hear my friends; screaming No! No! you cannot go
As I sit, begin to wonder, perhaps I should go another day.

Then I hear the Angels calling from high above this road of fear
Telling me to search through friends, for the existence of Hope and Trust
It is the whispers of the Angles that make me stop and think
Do I really want to wither, die, and once again turn back to dust?

Then I hear the shrill high pitched voice of the Demon of my fears
He holds out his hand, follow me and be done with all of your pain
The Demon makes the road seem calm and says toss away your fears
Come follow Me down the path and you will never have fear and pain again.

The fight begins, as the Angel gets out my album book, some pages even worn
There are many old pictures of happiness and love, and some have become molded
I page through them, year by yeaar, and suddenly begin to shed some tears
As I sit here boldly, wiping at my tears, I realize before me my life has unfolded.

The Demon snickers as He says "He needs no pictures" just come follow me
He says "Be not afraid" you are looking for Trust, I can give it to you and set you free
Now duty crowds my mind, the fear quickly cowering within
Whose thoughts do I let guide me...... Is this where I want to be?

My confusion is taking over, Angels, Demons, whose thoughts do I let direct me?
The Angels sing we know it is hard, this you must come to terms and realize
The Demon boasts, and bellows "look" your life is nothing but a very small book
The Angels gather around, They spread my entire life out right before my eyes.

The turmoil between Good and Evil, are really choices, of which I need to make
A warm gentle breeze brushes over me trying to help me find "that sacred place"
In this turmoil, I wonder, I look at Good and Evil, who will be holding my hand?
The Angel of Life or the Demon of Death that I choose and stare at face to face.

The road of fear is always with me, in the darkest corners of my mind
My soul wants, it deserves, peace and serenity, it can no longer continue the fight
I feel the warmth, the hope and love; is it from the Devil or those up High?
Once again it is back to choices; I pray desperately the choice I make is right.

Bev (flog) Toma 7/6/98

Farewell My Friend
Kevin you were there, you were my life for me
You were the friend who loved me and stood by
You told me friendships could not always lift lifes heavy loads
Dear Kevin, then tell me Why did you have to die?

Kevin you always let me know you were indeed my friend
You told me you would stand by me and with me to the very end
The warm hand clasp I felt was always yours I know
Now Dear Kevin you are gone and I don't have a friiend.

Kevin you laughed with me, cried with me, even made me smile
Kevin you were the person that made the sky more beautiful to gaze upon
You listened to my fears and anger with understanding, never a judgemental day
Now Dear Kevin you are gone, and our work had just begun.

Dear Kevin you body is now deep within Mother Natures soil
Weeds of life can never bother you, for your Soul is now up high
While life has now been taken from you, you can now embrace our God
Remember Kevin these words are for you, Oh why did you have to die?

Now Kevin I have asked our God to give me strength to deal with my fears
I took a little time today to reminisce about our friendship, about our past
And I called your name Dear Kevin, but you did not answer me
Oh Dear Kevin please tell me why; our friendship was suppose to last.

Now as I struggle to be brave and let your spirit peacefully go
I feel that rumbling of the fears and troubles deep within my soul
Kevin you were a friend to me, who came so quickly into my life
And now Dear Kevin you're not here to keep me from my Deep Dark Hole.

As I bid farewell to you my trusting angel, my friend
I hear you say "don't be afraid, grab hold and soar with me into the night"
For God has surely taken you, to be my angel in the sky
Warm words await you from our God, for you truly now see the light.

Kevin, know that you have left foot prints in my heart, which will never be the same
Now my Angel, Kevin, it is time to say good bye, let you take your place up high
I know as my angel, Kevin, you will try to wipe my flowing tears away
As my days pass swiftly and sweetly, Kevin, will you be there when I die?

dedicated to Kevin, who passed suddenly 5/27/98
Bev (flog) Toma 6/1/98

The Place Down Under
There is a place Down Under
Where no one wants to go
It's dark, it's cold, a most uninviting room
But a place I need to visit because I am feeling so low.

You can't take your smokes, or tell people you'll be right back
For once you are in the place Down Under
And you have the feelings that make you so worthless and low
You understand that it's really becoming to late, Oh God that clap of Thunder.

I search deep within the troubles of my mind and soul
Wondering if I have lost all the love I once knew and had
Knowing that I once had Angels watching me out There
But knowing all the paths of life I have chosen are so very sad.

In this place Down Under, the deep unforgiving hole
My thoughts are broadcasts of my soul, my deepest darkest fears
So often I will criticize the things that others do
Forgetting the One Above is close by and always hears.

Blindly groping through the narrow dark corridors
I hear a voice, asking, is it You Lord, reaching out in all my pain
Shocked, this place Down Under, lights up like the morning sun
I shrivel back, fear etched on my face, it is the Devil saying, glad you came again.

The Devil lunges and grabs me by the hand
Walks me through Down Under, reminiscing year by year
So many faces I have known, some who made bad choices
He walks me to a faceless friend, and i begin to shed some tears.

You see the faceless face Down Under is all ready for me to come
The Devil smirks, laughs like Thunder, saying: here is your final resting place
The Dark One motions for me to come closer, look at where you are
I withdraw my hand from His, screaming No, I'm still in God's good Grace.

Gasping, I turn and run, my heart pounding in my chest
I must keep fighting, I can't give up, I will find God's Sweet Face
The hole Down Under suddenly opens, I feel a strong hand reaching down
I cry Oh God hear me, don't let this hole Down Under be my final resting place.

And now I stand above the Hole, having conquered another battle today
Don't let this hate I have of my "new" life. cause you to hate me too
The Lord says: Look behind the clouds is a Golden Sun
It lists my achievements in great numbers and my faults as very few.

While I did not choose the "new life" I cannot change the way I am
I now know there is a battle to fight against Down Under, each and every day
God as made a casting of my "new life" created in His Likeness
And then in His Almighty Wisdom, threw the "old" cast of me away.

Bev Toma (5/26/98)

Sitting on the sidelines not knowing what to say
Watching each day of my life go marching by
Trying to remember what I used to be and have
And realizing, maybe not in time, my question is really Why?

Why do things happen so unexpectedly
It creeps up from behind and knocks one to the ground
Takes from me all that used to seem so safe and secure
And leaves me sitting, wondering, just hanging around.

Why does one have to go to hell and back
Trying to sift through reality, but not having a clue
Hating that I have become so very different now
Silently crying, sittting, not knowing what to do.

Why does one try to adjust and sustain this "new" life through
Knowing the "old" life is deeply becoming buried in the past
Wandering aimlessly through the narrow divides in my mind
Desperately fearing, if I have a future, how long it will last?

Why is a question, that seems not to have an answer
No clear cut avenues back to reality, no matter how hard you try
Memories are dimming, each day although new, feels so wrong
And what I cannot accept, is no answer to my Why?

Bev Toma (05/20/98)

This Mind Game of Life
Life appears to be nothing more than a game
In which we are not given a choice, but told to play
We are dealt our hand by the One above
Who I pray and come to question more everyday.

In this game we are told that what we give
At least what we think, say or do
Should probably come back to us tenfold
Unfortunately this I have found not to be true.

I continue to play this game, follow all directions
I scream and cry of my physical and mental pain
And then it hits me and I remember
That is thing called life is nothing but a game.

This game takes place in my mind and soul
And dreams of Your sweet embrace
I wait, there is nothing, not even a sign
This game of life is becoming merely a trace.

This game it sucks and drains you body and soul
It sends me to so many forbidden places
I come face to face with the troubles of my mind
And I realize I may never know the nature of this games embrace.

This game takes me to my deepest and darkest fears
Regrets torn bleeding from my aching heart
I question if this game long played, is perhaps ending
And is it true my mind and soul, can no longer play the part?

Bev Toma (05/07/98)

In The Valley of My Heart
In the deep dark valley of my heart
Lies a place I want to be
It's color is inviting, and very much serene
This valley in my heart can surely set me free.

While sitting and listening to the pounding of my heart
It glows bright red and beats, one, two, three
There is a darkness in me awakening
It is bellowing, it is me.

The depths of it's purple cavarans
Seem grand, such a captivating scene
It beats and pounds and calls my name
And is saying "it's you" I want your being.

The paths and ridges that govern my heart
Say the troubles here are all my own
The heart and soul now want, and demand "their" time
For the paths of the heart and soul must now tread alone.

My heart and thoughts are now broadcasts of my soul
And there are no untold secrets in my brain
Old memories and thoughts once brought me happiness
The new memories, so much untold pain.

So in the valley of my heart
I see my reflection in it's mirror
The struggle continues between my heart and soul
While I sit and look into the face of fear.

Now trapped in this valley of my heart
It continues to beat, one, two, three
I can only hope and pray to God
That this struggle sets me free

Bev (flog) Toma 5/2/98

What Is This Blue?
You wake up in the morning
you know things don't feel quite right
you stop, look and check the mirror
you know you made it through the night.

You wonder what this day willl bring
happiness, sadness or something new
I know I mourn the "me" before
and yet I look out, and the sky is Blue.

Blue is such a meaningful color
or so it certainly used to be
It's that color that make me smile and laugh
But wait; I don't see it anymore in me.

For to many times I have let
un-important things into my mind
and then it is usually too late
to see what has made me blind.

The color Blue, I yearn to keep
It seems to smile and call my name
It dances, waves and rises up high
I'm reaching for it, is it possible to attain?

My Blue is calling, - accept yourself
and be thankful for all the little things
I continue to reach, to search, praying so hard
Please Blue; don't leave this being.

Sometimes it seems we hurt the ones
we hold dearest to our hearts
but with my Blue, I have to make it
Blue don't let me tear my life apart.

Blue tells me you have got to learn
acceptance is all you have got
and until you can accept yourself
hang on to the little things, they mean alot.

So I look to the sky as the Sun sets
calling, trying to find my Blue
Blue answers, telling me to make the time
to say the words I need to say, before my time is through.

Not knowing what word my Blue needs to hear
do I remember, or am I in a state of confusion
I start to smile, and wonder if I am remembering Blue
Yes, it must be Blue, and not just another allusion.

My Blue may come and go for now
fleeting in and out of the clouds on high
leaving me to ponder, think and ask
My Blue, you won't let me die!!!

by Bev (flog) Toma

The Far Side of the Mountain
The far side of the mountain peaks
It's allusive, but calls me by name
I stare in utter amazement though
As it beckons for me to play the "game".

I climb and struggle to reach the top
My body is weak and frail
I pray dear God, just a few more steps
Breathless, I listen, I hear it wail.

I'm perched upon the highest peak
I wonder what has brought me here
I search the grayish sky and listen
But no answers, I crouch in fear.

I stand back up and shout out loud
My God please set me free
I've scaled this mountain stone by stone
Dear Lord please listen, it is me.

My mind wanders with the passing clouds
I long to catch that ride
Below me waits a vast deep hole
The mountain bellows; Come now be by my side.

I query what this symbol means
What game have I been drawn to
I question, I cry, I continue to play
And yet the mountain has a different yew.

I'm tricked and taunted by the deep dark hole
The mountain seems to smirk and say
The wail is not from High, but low
The choice is yours to leave or stay.

The far side of the mountain now has a different face
I sit her confused, bewildered, with no one near
Is this game some test of strenght?
The mountain is only in my mind, the rest is what I fear.

Now having been to the mountain top that never really was
As I stumble and slide down, my thoughts are awry
Because this "game" was never real, only in my mind
I have to question to myself, is this the way I die?

by Bev Toma (4/6/98)

The Seagull and the Soul
Across the sky the Seagull flys
It has my spirit, but not my soul
The Seagull looks mighty and strong
The spirit is weak, it has taken its toll.

No one knows the path the Seagull will go
You can only wonder if the soul will follow
For the spirit it has taken, its light has dimmed
The soul is searching, but seems so hollow.

The mighty Seagull looks so strong, so big
The spirit it has taken, so fragile, so small
Off to a place, not yet sure, can't even tell
The soul starts screaming, please take me all.

This beautiful Bird, so graceful, so stunning
Flying so high in the shadow of Sun
The soul gives a call, spirit please wait
Our work is not done, you must stay, don't run.

The Seagull hears the scream of my soul
It's watching, it's waiting, it's motioning hither
It soars even higher, the spirit in tow
Will the Seagull win, will my soul wither?

(Bev Toma) 4/1/98

Life and Purpose
When one looks up at the sky
And you use the star light to see
Are we seeing what we are supposed to
Or, is it just a blank sky for me.

You get on tip toes and look a little harder
Quite sure that this will ring a bell
And then you step back a little
And realize you are at the gates of hell.

So once you understand your life
Perhaps you learn the in's and outs
You become aware your life is hell
And that's what life is about?

Purpose changes from day to day
Your tomorrows never come
You begin to stop, question and think
That your life has no more fun.

So, no need to plan for tomorrows
for they will surely never be
No need to yearn for yesterday
Because neither exist for me.

So, when there are no tomorrows
And yesterdays are only blurrs
You realize that you are only existing
You might ask, is this a life for her?

So when the world looks like flowers
One must stop and think.....
Flowers are not forever.....
They die and then they shrink.

(Bev Toma) 3/31/98

A Branch But Not A Tree
One thinks of a family
as a branch within a tree
but as I look around
there is no longer a branch for me.

Is anyone out there
does anyone really care
I look all around me
but see no one there.

I once felt accepted
was funny, had many friends
but now since my BI
I feel condemnation from deep within.

I never really realized
until my Mother was gone
that she was the one who love me
and still does from beyond.

Two weeks before her "calling"
by the Mighty One above
She took me by the arms and said:
"you'll have my undying love".

I long to talk with her
But know that cannot be
For if I were to "chat" with her
There would no longer be a me.

You know what really hurt "that day"
While I lay watching all the glares
My doctor and my family saying:
Shush, she is BI, go back in there.

Just remember when you ask yourself
How can I be this way?
I was laying in that hospital
Praying for God to have His way.

The sad thing is that facts are facts
unfortunately they don't lie
I just need to get "my answers"
to "let go" and say "good-bye".

As the days become shorter
And my health much more complex
I will ask a final question------
In the second paragraph.

Is anyone out there----Does not appear to be
Does anyone care-----Apparently not for me
I look all around me---As I stand alone
And I find there is no family----for me to call home

by Bev Toma (BI - 8/20/95)

One song can spark a moment
one flower can wake a dream
one tree can start a forest
one bird can hearld Spring

One smile begins a friendship
one handclasp lifts a soul
one star can guide a ship at sea
one work can frame the goal.

One vote can change aa nation
one sunbbeam lights a room.
one candle wipes out darkness
one laugh will conquer gloom.

one step must start each journey
one work must start each prayer.
one hope will raise our spirits
one touch can show you care.

One voice can speak with wisdom
one heart can know whats true
one life can make the difference
You see its up to YOU!

by Bev (flog) Toma