Proving I Can Do It and Fighting the system

I'll try not to bore you with the details but for the next two years my self esteem and competence were attacked from all fronts.

My first week back to work, my boss calls me in her office to discuss some "concerns" that she claimed to have for some time. These included the amount of time off of work, lack of sociability & approachability, concerns over my relationships with my peers and her view that the people in my unit were suffering because of my time out. I pointed out that most of my time off was unavoidable to which she responded, "Some would say that your pregnancy was avoidable." So for the second time in a month she came out of left field and imposed a crushing blow. I was stunned, hurt, angry and indignant that anyone would feel they had any right to dictate to me when and if I should have a child and the fact that she seemed to validate it.

A few months after I returned to work, my relationship with my 2 year old's father ended, rather badly. He had to attack and devalue me in order to make it OK that he had started a new relationship even before he left.

My employer put me through the ringer in many ways during the next year.

My oldest son was having problems which included legal and substance abuse problems. His father flew in, making these problems even worse with his actions and a few months later my son was sent to juvenile hall for 3 months.

My ex-husband dragged me through family court again, claiming I was a terrible parent and he should have custody. I was considering giving him custody of my oldest since nothing I did seemed to help and he had become increasingly defiant. It was at this time I found out my son had been molested by his step brother on his visits to his father's house from age 9 to age 14. His father reacted badly to this news, accusing us of fabricating this story and threatening his life with his new family. He abandoned the custody fight and told our son that he "washed his hands of him".

Then late in the year I had, what I call, a mini-nervous breakdown. The last straw was an action taken by my employer. My therapist took me off of work for 3 weeks to re-group.

That was 18 months ago and through a new medicine regime from a new doctor as well as her support and that of my therapist and a cognitive rehabilitation therapist, I am working successfully full-time under some minor reasonable accommodations. Of course, my employer stalled and fought these as much as she could. It was as if she had some personal stake in seeing me fail.

I am nothing if not determined when I really believe in something and, despite all the attacks to my self esteem, I knew I could do my job.
I may not do it in the same way or even as well as I use to, but I am not, by far, the least effective manager among my peers. I still have days where I feel overwhelmed but I am more aware of the consequences of allowing myself to become overloaded. I still experience exhaustion, lack of motivation, organizational challenges and personal problems but I also know I can't let it drag me down too far. I am the sole support of my children and I know my boss is still looking for any signs of meltdown.